Blue Balls

Blue balls is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to a man.  If I half to explain what blue balls is then you are shit out of luck.  This blog is PG13 and if your sick mind wants to know the true meaning you can look it up on wikipedia.

As we left Calgary this is the view we got.  Half chubbed at this point.  The mountains were giving us a hard on.  We were so stoked!

I mean really there is no place in the world that is as perfect for all kinds of climbing and skiing in one place.

We were walking around Banff with full on boners.  We were in heaven.  We have found Mecca!

First Objective:  Cascade Falls (the picture above)

 After going to a local gear shop our goals were smashed.  It was about 40F and the salesperson said that the climb has been falling down for the past week or so.  "It is real sketch," he said. The best time to climb it would be at night or really early in the morning when the ice is cold enough and stable enough that it wont fall out from under our feet.  So we bailed on that plan.

Instead we went to Field and climbed Massey's a blue WI4 with 3 pitches. (pictures below)

Had to walk on the railroad tracks to get there.

Purdy blue ice.

Took off my helmet for a sec to put on my hat.  Though it would have been better to move to the side to do that. 

Keith leading the second pitch.

Rappelling in the dark is always fun.

Day 2:  Objective Weeping Wall

It is no longer 40F but as you can probably tell it is snowing.  And it was snowing pretty hard.  For this climb the Avi-danger was Low and the amount of new snowfall was barely an inch.  The were no avi-gullies above it, so we figured we might as well try it.  A video of our experience is below.

We learned an important lesson on this climb.  Sluff avalanches hurt!  And can actually be pretty dangerous.

As the days have continued the Avi danger has gotten worse and worse.  For the past few days it has been High to Extreme from Treeline up.  This pretty much shuts down all our big objectives and to top it off even below treeline the weather is baking and the ice climbs are pissing water.  

I know I sound bitter but I'm just blue balled.  Im in this awesome place and I cant get any.  Give me something Canada, please!

Quote of the day

Keith is way up there on Moonlight.

Dont Traffic Babies into Canadian when you Live in your Car

We had a little snag getting into Canada.  The border patrolmen turned out to be less funny when they are not on horseback.

[Below is a recreation of the dialogue that happened at the Canadian border, in which Keith and I almost peed our pants in laughter.]

The Canadian border patrolman stared us down.  

"Take out everything from your pockets," he ordered.

I pulled out a few receipts and a condom.  I looked up at him and laughed. 

"I was hoping to get laid tonight," I chuckled.  

“Do you know what we are looking for,” said the border patroller.  As the other officers searched my car.

“Drugs,” I said.

 Trying not to laugh at the Canadian officer.

“Firearms,” said Keith.

“Alcohol, tobacco…baby trafficking…” I said.

Baby trafficking! Why did I say that.  There was dead silence.  Keith looked at me with utter disbelief.  He clenched his teeth to keep from laughing.  The border patrolman looked away.  He was not pleased. 

“We are also looking for child pornography, large amounts of money that might link you to drug trafficking,” he said.

“We have none of that officer,” I retorted half smirking. 

“You may wait in the other room behind the glass,” he said.

They border patrollers continued to dismantle my car, piece by piece.  Keith and I sat in the other room laughing as the officers tasted Keiths whey protein. 

“They probably think its coke.”

The officers bent down and smelled my clothes.  They looked through my first aid kit then put it back in my car.

“Woo, good thing they didn’t find the needles”

One of the officers came into the waiting room, “So do you guys live in that car?”

“Just me officer,” I said.

“Would you say that is your permanent residence?”

“Ummm….for now, yes!”

“How long have you lived in there?”

“For about 6 months at a time.”

“And has anyone used any narcotics within the premisis of your car.”

“Probably, but who can be sure these days,” I chuckled.

He was not amused.  For the next hour we waited as they operated on my car.  I cried a little bit inside as they disrobed my beautiful packing job and how they threw things back in my car with no care.  They obviously were not good at tetris.  They called us back in the warehouse. 

“Did we pass the test?”  I said.

“Not yet,” the officer mumbled. 

He asked us a series of questions.  

“You can leave now.”

“Officer I have one more question for you.” “Where does the word “Ay” come from?”

“Get out of here,” he yelled.

The officers mounted their horses and rode off.  Wow!  We both looked at each other.  We made it into Canada.  Though we still have not discovered the meaning of “Ay.”

We made it!

In Search of the Origins of "Ay"

Seasons pass and times move foreword.  I find myself yet again wandering further west.  I am getting restless.  Being in a home for the past few months has replenished my spirits and given me time to excite my passions.  Though I cant help but look for a place I want to settle down for a while.  There is only so long one can wander without the comforts of a home base.

I am writing this as my buddy Keith and I are headed up to the great state of Canada.  A place where meuse are pets and people dogsled to work.  We are going to Banff mainly in search for the origins of the word “Ay” but also because of the awesome climbing.  Banff is the holy grail of North American ice climbing.  Mark Twight, a famous mountaineer, once described ice climbing near Banff similarly to popping a Viagra and having an orgasm nonstop for days. 

Keith and I have some big plans for the week.  Hope the weather holds.

View of somewhere in Northern Montana.