Blue Balls

Blue balls is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen to a man.  If I half to explain what blue balls is then you are shit out of luck.  This blog is PG13 and if your sick mind wants to know the true meaning you can look it up on wikipedia.

As we left Calgary this is the view we got.  Half chubbed at this point.  The mountains were giving us a hard on.  We were so stoked!

I mean really there is no place in the world that is as perfect for all kinds of climbing and skiing in one place.

We were walking around Banff with full on boners.  We were in heaven.  We have found Mecca!

First Objective:  Cascade Falls (the picture above)

 After going to a local gear shop our goals were smashed.  It was about 40F and the salesperson said that the climb has been falling down for the past week or so.  "It is real sketch," he said. The best time to climb it would be at night or really early in the morning when the ice is cold enough and stable enough that it wont fall out from under our feet.  So we bailed on that plan.

Instead we went to Field and climbed Massey's a blue WI4 with 3 pitches. (pictures below)

Had to walk on the railroad tracks to get there.

Purdy blue ice.

Took off my helmet for a sec to put on my hat.  Though it would have been better to move to the side to do that. 

Keith leading the second pitch.

Rappelling in the dark is always fun.

Day 2:  Objective Weeping Wall

It is no longer 40F but as you can probably tell it is snowing.  And it was snowing pretty hard.  For this climb the Avi-danger was Low and the amount of new snowfall was barely an inch.  The were no avi-gullies above it, so we figured we might as well try it.  A video of our experience is below.

We learned an important lesson on this climb.  Sluff avalanches hurt!  And can actually be pretty dangerous.

As the days have continued the Avi danger has gotten worse and worse.  For the past few days it has been High to Extreme from Treeline up.  This pretty much shuts down all our big objectives and to top it off even below treeline the weather is baking and the ice climbs are pissing water.  

I know I sound bitter but I'm just blue balled.  Im in this awesome place and I cant get any.  Give me something Canada, please!

Quote of the day

Keith is way up there on Moonlight.

Dont Traffic Babies into Canadian when you Live in your Car

We had a little snag getting into Canada.  The border patrolmen turned out to be less funny when they are not on horseback.

[Below is a recreation of the dialogue that happened at the Canadian border, in which Keith and I almost peed our pants in laughter.]

The Canadian border patrolman stared us down.  

"Take out everything from your pockets," he ordered.

I pulled out a few receipts and a condom.  I looked up at him and laughed. 

"I was hoping to get laid tonight," I chuckled.  

“Do you know what we are looking for,” said the border patroller.  As the other officers searched my car.

“Drugs,” I said.

 Trying not to laugh at the Canadian officer.

“Firearms,” said Keith.

“Alcohol, tobacco…baby trafficking…” I said.

Baby trafficking! Why did I say that.  There was dead silence.  Keith looked at me with utter disbelief.  He clenched his teeth to keep from laughing.  The border patrolman looked away.  He was not pleased. 

“We are also looking for child pornography, large amounts of money that might link you to drug trafficking,” he said.

“We have none of that officer,” I retorted half smirking. 

“You may wait in the other room behind the glass,” he said.

They border patrollers continued to dismantle my car, piece by piece.  Keith and I sat in the other room laughing as the officers tasted Keiths whey protein. 

“They probably think its coke.”

The officers bent down and smelled my clothes.  They looked through my first aid kit then put it back in my car.

“Woo, good thing they didn’t find the needles”

One of the officers came into the waiting room, “So do you guys live in that car?”

“Just me officer,” I said.

“Would you say that is your permanent residence?”

“Ummm….for now, yes!”

“How long have you lived in there?”

“For about 6 months at a time.”

“And has anyone used any narcotics within the premisis of your car.”

“Probably, but who can be sure these days,” I chuckled.

He was not amused.  For the next hour we waited as they operated on my car.  I cried a little bit inside as they disrobed my beautiful packing job and how they threw things back in my car with no care.  They obviously were not good at tetris.  They called us back in the warehouse. 

“Did we pass the test?”  I said.

“Not yet,” the officer mumbled. 

He asked us a series of questions.  

“You can leave now.”

“Officer I have one more question for you.” “Where does the word “Ay” come from?”

“Get out of here,” he yelled.

The officers mounted their horses and rode off.  Wow!  We both looked at each other.  We made it into Canada.  Though we still have not discovered the meaning of “Ay.”

We made it!

In Search of the Origins of "Ay"

Seasons pass and times move foreword.  I find myself yet again wandering further west.  I am getting restless.  Being in a home for the past few months has replenished my spirits and given me time to excite my passions.  Though I cant help but look for a place I want to settle down for a while.  There is only so long one can wander without the comforts of a home base.

I am writing this as my buddy Keith and I are headed up to the great state of Canada.  A place where meuse are pets and people dogsled to work.  We are going to Banff mainly in search for the origins of the word “Ay” but also because of the awesome climbing.  Banff is the holy grail of North American ice climbing.  Mark Twight, a famous mountaineer, once described ice climbing near Banff similarly to popping a Viagra and having an orgasm nonstop for days. 

Keith and I have some big plans for the week.  Hope the weather holds.

View of somewhere in Northern Montana.

The Great Shnoz

Sunburnt, dehydrated, exhausted and way too many blisters.  My knuckles are cracked and bloodied.  My lips are chapped and my hands can barely hold a water bottle.  My brain is on slowmo and and my body aches like creaky floorboard.  This is what we get.  No pictures, no prize, victory drink.

3000ft in 3 days.  Thats how long it took Kyle and I to climb the The Nose on El Capitan.  We packed everything up in our haul bag and started the first day at 1:00pm.  This was supposed to be the easy day but we didn't get to the bivy spot at Dolt Tower till midnight.  We learned a few things from the first day.  One it is HOT during the day!  Two we drink way more than we thought.  Three climbing in the dark is really cool.  And four this rock is really big!

The next day we got a late start.  We began climbing around 9am and moved pretty slowly all day.  I scored the "King Swing" pitch, which consists of getting lowered 70ft below your belay and swinging from side to side to reach a vertical crack system.  I know, it doesn't seem like a difficult thing but when you are 1500ft off the ground and swinging back and forth can be kinda scary.  The worst part happened when Kyle was cleaning the route. Kyle had to do whats called a "lower out" so he wouldn't take a huge swing of his own, which consisted of lowering himself slowly off the previous anchor.  But once he was half way his rope got stuck.  He started to climb back up that rope to fix the stuck rope and as he was going up the rope popped out of the crack he flew through the air bouncing against the rock backwards and upside down.  He turned out okay though he had a few cuts and scrapes he was mostly shocked at the giant swing he had just taken.  That was it for the excitement of that day though we did stop to watch the sun set over the surrounding mountain tops.  We climbed a bit more till 9pm and bivied at Camp IV ledge.  My bivy spot was at a sloping angle so I put my feet in the haul bag and set it up so if I slipped at night I would slip into the haul bag.

Nights on the capper (short for captan) are the best parts about being on the wall.  Given you never sleep that well on the wall it is the most beautiful thing you'll ever see.  Full moon and a clear sky just added to the wonder.  The 2000ft of exposure made it just scary enough to get your endorphins up.

The next day we got a late start again even though our plan was to wake up at 6am we did not get up till 8am.  Kyle started off the day with the "Great Roof" pitch, which is a classic line that only a three people have freed to this day.  Everything that day went pretty cruiser except that we were running low on water and before a haul I forgot to screw on the cap for our last water bottle.  Half of it spilled in our bag and we were left with a liter and a half do drink the rest of the day.  Major mistake!  The rest of the day we were conserving water and parched at best.  We summited at midnight with a sip of water left.  Our bodies were wrecked and our mental energy was moving at a snails pace.  Luckily I saw my old friend Danny Ulman at the summit and he gave us a nice swig of wine and water before our grueling 3hr hike down.

We got back to the base around 4am.  Aid climbing is hard and unforgiving.  But even with all the tough work it was all worth it.  And now we know a little bit better how to push our limits and what our bodies and minds can handle.

Blindman and Dirtbag Split

It was time for the dynamic duo to split.  Blindman got sick of sleeping in van.  He needs more cush cush than a piece of foam covered with tapestry.  For those of you who haven't seen the Dirt-Mobile.  Here it is.

Blindman says he cant sleep on any form or bed.  When i mean he needs something more cush cush I mean he sleeps on the ground.  Blindman says its good for his back.  He would refuse to sleep in the van and instead grab a tapestry for a blanket and a t-shirt for a pillow and sleep outside with the animals.  In Utah I woke up and walked outside seeing Blindman cuddled with two foxes and a bobcat.

During this trip Ive learned a lot about Blindman that I never knew.  One thing I learned was that he was born in the wild and raised by wolves up in the mountains of Banff.  He has learned the ability to keep warm in winter by insulating his body with layers of fat tissue.

Blindman and I made it to Utah together but the heat was decreases Blindman's lipid layers and he decided to move on.  He also seemed sick of cooking on a stove and felt he had to eat more naturally and go forage for food in Idaho.  So Blindman has gone to Idaho.  Peace Blindman, its been fun!

Blindman and Dirtbag's Bogus Journey through Colorado

Colorado is Colorful...thought not as colorful as the east!  Sorry Colorado.  We hit Colorado at peak Fall season.  Its nice and the leaves are changing color though it is only one color...yellow.  It makes me miss the east and all the colors at this time of year.  Vermont during the Fall kills it!  They got reds, yellows, purples, oranges and sometimes even blues.  Its like being in Dr. Sues' backyard.  But one thing Colorado does have is HUGE mountains, never ending ridge lines and awesome alpine climbing!  Overall we like it here.  Blindman is thinking about moving here and I said go for it.

Though Blindman's eye sight has been diminishing in the higher altitude the rest of his senses have heightened.  I saw him about to step on a snake but then grabbed it by the tail and gave the snake a lesson on manners.  I could hear him yelling from down the trail, "You always move out of the way when elders walks by!"  

We spent some time in Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP) outside of Estes Park.  There we hiked into alpine territory to scope some cool rock climbing.  Though I did not get to climb in Estes I found some awesome rock that I half to get on.  Below is a picture of Blindman in front the 1000ft Hallet Peak, which contains tons and tons of climbing routes.  Bomb, I know!

One of our stops was in Pagosa Springs, CO where Blindman's cousin Marty Borges lives.  Pagosa Springs has got some sweet ice climbing and skiing in the winter and in the summer has two great rivers to raft down.  Not a bad spot to hang out, uh!

The Butterfield's and the Borges' meet up in Pagosa Springs to discuss life's complexities and adventures down nature's path. 

Our last stop in the "Colorful" state was Ouray and Telluride.  These two place are right next to each other but so far apart in reality.  Ouray is probably the best place to train for ice climbing in the US.  From downtown you can walk to the ice park and climb all day.  Below is a picture of the ice park I found online. Sweet stuff!

Complements of Marauder Mountain Photography.

Some local Muckle Crunchers climbing off road in Ouray.  Its hard to see but I'm in the red hat climbing as Murph belays and Emily rummages through the car.

WOW...look at that ICE!  Just stare at it and appreciate it for a moment!

SO sweet and so purdy, and it wants me to climb it!  Bridalvail Falls, Telluride!!!! YEA!  It is in walking distance from the town.  I want to move there and climb it period!

Overall Colorado was pretty rad.  We hiked some sweet peaks and scoped out some awesome climbing destinations.  We circled the square state and left our mark.  (Blindman peed on every corner of the state to warn the animals that this was now his territory.)  A saw some paragliders take off from atop a mountain in Telluride and let me drive their truck down the whole mountain.  I picked up Blindman on the way down cause he was too slow and tired to make it to the top.  The whole drive down the mountain Blindman was hooting and hollering at all the poonanies in the Gondola.

Side Notes:  Blindman is in love with Telluride but he refuses to move there because of all the poonannies.  If you didn't already know Telluride has the second home of the biggest poonanie of all time Tom Cruise!  Blindman and Tom Cruise met each other in the 90s at a party in LA.  Cruise was spun on something and ran around the party naked humping inanimate objects and howling like a horse.  To this day Blindman has never seen a Mission Impossible movie and refuses to call Scientology a legitimate religion.  

Blindman and Dirtbag Strikes Back

A lot has happened since White Castle and we all know White Castle can do that to you.   So instead of doing one long blog post we will take it step by step.  If you didn't already know Blindman was born a Mormon, more specifically the Reorganized Church of Latter Day Saints mormon.  Behind us is the main RLDS Temple in Independence, Ohio.  Inside is where Blindman had his first spiritual experience since the 70s.  

Blindman and I reconnecting with our Mormon heritage in front of the RLDS Mormon temple in Independence.  

It has been told that the Mormons actually discovered the Fibonacci Spiral 500 years before Fibonacci.  This infinitely large Sea Shell above is the spiral in the Independence Temple.  The mormons believe that through this spiral you can hear the sound of God, but all I heard was the ocean.

I lost Blindman for an hour and found him staring into the infinite sea shell.  I tapped him on the shoulder and he awoke from his daze.  "Whats up pops," I said.  Staring blankly at me he responded that he had just seen Joseph Smith and Jesus hanging out and eating nutmeg.  Blindman joined them and spent the next hour shooting the shit with them.  Blindman is now thinking of converting to Hinduism.  I guess Mr. Smith and Jesus were kinda boring.